


Dogpile

by mirrankei



Category: Sarah Jane Adventures, Torchwood
Genre: Gen, allusions to sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 15:04:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3294833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirrankei/pseuds/mirrankei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a giant blue dog running loose in London, and a small metal one wandering around Cardiff. </p>
<p>Written partly to see what happens when you cross the most adult show in the Whoniverse with the one aimed at children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dogpile

"…so you get the whole rest of the night off, then? For sure, this time?"  

Gwen swallowed her mouthful of spaghetti, nodding back across the table. "Unless they call," she clarified. Nothing was ever entirely _for sure_ in Torchwood, and she didn't want to get Rhys' hopes too high, just in case. "But it looks like the Rift'll be quiet for a while, and Jack's still stuck in London so he can't just pop up like he usually does."

"So who would call, then? If the boss is gone, you should be home free!" Rhys smirked at her, as if he'd just outsmarted the absent captain himself. 

"Well, Tosh is still on duty watching for activity, and if a weevil or something shows up I might have to help Owen out with it," Gwen said, stuck between amusement and annoyance at Rhys' inability and/or unwillingness to realize that her job wasn't exactly like other peoples', and just because the boss was away didn't really mean she could slack off.

They all _were_ , of course. The three of them had spent most of the day playing Monopoly and eating pizza. And by the time Gwen had left (an hour early) to meet Rhys at the restaurant, Owen still hadn't started the autopsy reports he'd had to file, and Tosh had been watching old episodes of The Outer Limits on one of her monitors as she fiddled with a box of broken alien tech, trying to fit them together to make 'something interesting'.

Although, Gwen had a feeling that slacking off might have been the whole point of Jack's trip to London in the first place. After all, he'd taken Ianto with him. And considering Jack had called to say they'd lost track of the mutant dog thing at _noon_ , and that they weren't coming back until _tomorrow morning_ , the whole team was really using the day as what passed for a vacation in an establishment that saved the world daily and only had five people on staff.

"But," she continued, "Until that phone rings at five in the morning or whatever ungodly hour it will undoubtedly be, I'm all yours."

She leaned over the table and kissed her wonderful fiancé, glad to give him a reward for all his patience with her and her job. He murmured something happily against her lips and rose up his hand to run through her hair. Gwen smiled back, standing without completely breaking the kiss, and moved around the table to sit on his lap. They both laughed into each other’s mouths, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders as he grabbed her waist gently.

That's when Gwen's phone rang. 

They both froze. Gwen sighed, leaning her forehead against Rhys', and reached behind her to grab the offending mobile from her purse.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Gwen," Tosh said. "How was your dinner? I'm not interrupting, am I?" 

"Noo," Gwen said, shifting her weight as Rhys reached around her to grab his wallet. "We were just finishing. Something wrong?"

"Nothing too big," Tosh answered. "There were some weird energy readings, kind of near where you said you were having dinner. I thought maybe if you weren't too busy -"

"Right," Gwen said. "No problem." She stood up, smiling apologetically at Rhys. "Where is this?"

"I can direct you," Tosh said. "I already asked Owen to go have a look, so if you can't go, I'm sure it's -"

"It's fine, I'm already out and about anyway." Gwen pulled the phone away from her mouth to give Rhys a quick good-bye peck, and took her purse from his waiting hand. "If it turns out to be something big I should be there, and if it's nothing I'll just go home."

"Right," Tosh said. "Tell Rhys sorry for me."

Gwen just waved back at her fiancé as he called over a waiter to get boxes for their food. She tugged her earpiece out of her purse and turned it on, jogging down the road to find Owen and his mysterious energy source.

 

~~

 

She found the SUV just a few blocks away, but Owen didn't seem to be in it. Gwen tapped her earpiece. 

"Owen? Where are you?"

"Third floor of the car park," he said. "Where're you?"

"Just outside the ground floor," Gwen said, jogging over to the entrance. "Did you find the energy source?"

"Yes," Owen said. "It's a dog."

"A _dog?"_

"It doesn't _look_ like a dog," Tosh's voice joined in. "I can't see too well through the CCTV but it looks more like a robot."

"Well I know it _looks_ like a robot," Owen said, sounding rather amused. "But it makes a rather convincing case." There was a muffled shuffling sound. "Here, you can hear for yourself. So, tell me again, what are you?"

"I AM A DOG," said an extremely electronic sounding voice. "BOW WOW. I AM A DOG."

Gwen suppressed a giggle as she hopped up the last couple of stairs. "Well, I'm convinced," she said, and jogged over to join Owen in the middle of the car park. 

Owen was squatting down, holding his earpiece out in front of him to catch the sounds of the 'dog.' It did look vaguely doglike- its body was a sort of trapezoid, but it had a head that looked like a dogs', maybe, as interpreted by a cubist artist. It had two little satellite dishes for ears, rapidly pivoting, and a 'tail' on the other end, wagging. It did not have legs. It had barely visible wheels, upon which it was rolling in small circles just in front of Owen's outstretched hand.

"BOW WOW," it repeated. "BOW WOW BOW WOW BOW WOW. WOOF. I AM A DOG."

"All right, you're a dog," Gwen said, leaning on Owen's shoulder as she knelt down beside him. "Look, he even has a little collar!"

"I know," Owen said. "It seems pretty convinced that it's a dog."

"I AM A DOG."

"We heard you the first time, mate." Owen said. He leaned back and fumbled to put his earpiece back on. "So, what do you think?"

"I think we have a robot dog."

"Yeah, well _besides_ that, thanks."

"Do you think it might be dangerous?"

"Dunno. Sure doesn't look it, but neither did that thing we thought was a baby toy."

"To be fair, we probably shouldn't have been using it as a tennis ball," Gwen said.

"Yeah but it still didn't look like something that could disintegrate a table." Owen turned back to the dog. "Oi, are you dangerous?"

"Owen!"

"What? Might as well ask. He knows better than I do."

"NEGATIVE," said the dog. "I DO NOT ATTACK HUMANS UNLESS GIVEN THE COMMAND BY MY MISTRESS OR MASTER, OR IN SELF DEFENSE."

"Oh, good," Owen said. "Who's your master then?"

"INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."

"Figures," Owen said. "'s never that easy, is it?"

"What are you doing here, then?" Gwen said.

"I AM TRACKING."

"Tracking?" Gwen repeated. "Tracking what? How?"

"I AM IN PURSUIT OF A LOST DOG," it replied. "I AM TRACKING IT BY SEARCHING FOR TRACES IT LEFT BEHIND, PRIMARILY THROUGH THE USE OF MY OLFACTORY SENSORS."

"What, you're sniffing it out?" Owen said. "Like a dog?"

"I AM A DOG." Though its voice didn't have much in the way of variation, the dog still managed to somehow sound smug.

"Right, sorry, I forgot." Owen rubbed the back of neck and looked back at Gwen. "Y'think it means another 'dog' like this one? Or an actual dog?"

"There aren't any traces of extraterrestrial energy nearby except what's coming from the dog you have there," Tosh said. "If it's another robot, I can't track it."

"Could just be an actual dog, then," Gwen said. "Where is the dog now?" she asked the robot. "You've just been going in circles, why aren't you pursuing it?"

The dog froze in place, its 'ears' perked forwards and its tail still. It waited a moment before speaking. "I HAVE LOST THE TRAIL," it said, somehow sounding embarrassed. "IT IS LOGICAL TO CONCLUDE THAT FROM HERE THE DOG JUMPED TO THE GROUND, BUT I CAN NO LONGER DETECT ITS TRAIL."

"Jumped?" Owen said, incredulously. "We're four storeys up. What the hell kind of dog is this?"

The dog whirred and backed up a little, but didn't answer.

"Come on," Gwen coaxed. "You can tell us."

"NEGATIVE," it said. "I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION THAT MAY ENDANGER MY MISTRESS."

"What, the lost dog is your mistress?" Owen said.

"NEGATIVE."

"How does telling us what you're looking for endanger your mistress?" Gwen said.

"I CANNOT REVEAL THAT INFORMATION."

"Why not?"

"I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION TO INDIVIDUALS NOT DEEMED TRUSTWORTHY."

"So, you don't talk to strangers?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

Gwen sighed, and sat back on her heels. She looked up at Owen, who was leaning against the barrier, looking down at the street, obviously wondering where a 'lost dog' could have gone from here. "What do you think?"

"Well, we're not getting anywhere just sitting in a car park," he said, walking back over. "We may as well take this one back to the Hub, see if Tosh can get anything out of him."

"Right," Gwen agreed. As she moved to stand up, Owen reached down to pick up the robot dog.

"OW!" he yelped, suddenly jumping back and nursing his hand.

"What, what happened?"

"He zapped me!" Owen said. He pointed at the dog accusingly. "You said you don't attack humans!"

"EXCEPT IN SELF DEFENSE. DO NOT TOUCH ME WITHOUT PERMISSION."

"Ugh," Owen said, sucking on his injured hand.

"Look, um, dog," Gwen said. "We just want to help you. You already said you lost your trail; maybe we can help you find this dog you're tracking. Won't you come with us?"

"NEGATIVE," the dog said. "I WILL NOT GO WITH YOU. MY MISTRESS GAVE THE ORDER NOT TO ACCOMPANY TASKFORCE PERSONEL."

"Taskforce?" Owen repeated. "What, you think we're with _UNIT?_ "

"AFFIRMATIVE," said the dog, though it seemed a little taken aback by Owen's offended reaction.

"We're not _UNIT_ , mate, we're Torchwood!"

The dog whirred again. "DESIGNATION NOT RECOGNIZED."

"Well, yeah, that's sort of the point of a secret organization."

"We're not the same as UNIT," Gwen explained, though she still wasn't entirely sure what UNIT was or how they were different. "We want to help you. Don't you want help finding this other dog?"

The dog hesitated. "ENERGY RUNNING LOW," it said. "I CANNOT CONTINUE PURSUIT UNTIL I CAN RECHARGE."

"Does that mean you'll come with us? If we give you what you need to recharge?"

"AFFIRMATIVE," the dog said, and rolled past Gwen to start going down the ramp. Gwen grinned at Owen, who shrugged, and they followed.

"Tosh, we're taking the dog-thing back to the Hub," Owen said, tapping his earpiece. "You got anything to recharge a robot dog?"

"Well I don't know what kind of energy he needs," Tosh said. "But I think I can get something together when you get here."

They stopped in front of the SUV. Owen slipped into the driver's seat, and Gwen opened the back door, only to stop and look down at the dog. 

"Er, do you need help getting up?"

"I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO HOVER," it said.

Gwen waited. The dog didn't move, upwards or otherwise.

"Well?" Owen said, leaning back to look.

"IT IS NOT WISE TO ACTIVATE HOVER MODE WHEN CONSERVING POWER," it said. "UNNECESSARY DRAINS ON POWER NOT ADVISABLE."

Owen snorted, and Gwen giggled as she reached down to lift the dog into the seat.

As she reached over to fasten his seatbelt, Gwen glanced down at the dog. "'K-9?'" she read, looking at the characters on the side of the robot's body. "Is that your name?"

"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said. "K-9, MARK IV."

"'K-9?'" Owen repeated as Gwen settled into the passenger seat. "Like 'canine'? Not exactly original, your master, is he?"

"WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?" K-9 said.

"I'm Gwen," Gwen said. "And he's Owen."

"THERE ARE MORE THAN 1600 REGISTERED INDIVIDUAL HUMANS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM WITH THE GIVEN NAME OWEN, AS WELL AS THIRTY FIVE CATS, FIFTY EIGHT DOGS, AND THREE PARAKEETS. NUMBER OF DOGS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM NAMED K-9: FOUR."

"All right, all right, I get it!" Owen said, ignoring Gwen's sniggering. "It's a great name. K-9. Very unique."

"Just what we needed," he muttered to Gwen. "A sarcastic, tetchy, robot dog."

"Aw, come on, you like him," Gwen replied, nudging him with her elbow.

He smirked back at her. "Course I do, he's just like me. We'll have Ianto demanding a transfer by the end of the week."

 

~~

 

"Did you find him?!" Twil hopped to her feet as she heard the front door open. Maria followed suit, setting her mug down on Sarah Jane's table.

"No, unfortunately," Sarah Jane said. She looked somewhat harried. "We followed the trail to a shipping company, but then - "

"But then we lost K-9, too," Clyde interrupted.

"You did _what?!"_ Maria gaped at him.

"He was tracking the scent when he got in one of the lorries and it drove off with him," Luke said.

"Where did it go?!" Maria said. Twil fiddled nervously with her cup.

"That's what we came back to find out," Sarah Jane said, hopping up the stairs. The children followed.

"But - " Twil put down her mug and looked away when Luke politely stopped to listen. "I'm very sorry about your tin dog, but what happened to my Fnoofy?"

"Don't worry," Luke said. "K-9 was tracking Fnoofy. Wherever he ended up, Fnoofy's probably close by."

"You think so?"

"I think -" Luke cut off at the sound of a fanfare from upstairs. "I think Mr. Smith will help us find them. Come on!"

Twil returned his smile and they hurried up the stairs as Clyde called down, "Oi, Luke, you remember the plate number?!"

 

~~

 

"Hello?"

"Tosh."

"Ianto! How's your vacation?"

"It's not a vacation. We need you to track a number plate."

"All right, hang on. Where's Jack?"

"He's in the shower."

"Oh?"

"We spent all day running after a giant blue dog monster, Tosh, and we ended up in a filthy shipping yard."

"Sounds romantic."

"You need to stop talking to Gwen."

Tosh laughed. "All right, what's the number?"

Ianto read it to her off the scrap of paper Jack had given him.

"Got it. I assume since you were in the shipping yard, you already know the company and all that?"

"Right. We need to know where went."

"All right, just a moment."

"Anything exciting happen back home?"

"Not much. We played Monopoly."

"Ah."

"Oh, and Gwen and Owen are bringing back a robot dog."

"A robot dog?"

"That's what it looks like."

"Where did they get a robot dog?"

"Car park. All right, I've got your lorry. It left yesterday morning - "

" - Yeah, our trail's been at least a day behind this whole time."

"And it was going to…. Cardiff. Well, that makes it easy."

"Of course." Ianto sighed.

"What's wrong?" Tosh smiled at Jack's voice joining the conversation.

"The dog went to Cardiff," Ianto said.

"Fantastic. Hiya Tosh."

"Hullo, Jack. Do you want us to go check out the delivery site?"

"Nah, it'll have left by the time you get there. Believe me, this little doggy doesn't like to stay in one place for very long. Take the evening off, we'll regroup when Ianto and I get back tomorrow."

"Still staying the night, then?"

"Well we paid for the hotel, we might as well."

"Sounds good," Tosh said, doing a fairly good job of hiding the amusement in her voice. "We'll just take care of the robot dog tonight and go home, then."

"Robot dog?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow."

"Right. As long as you're sticking around, try and find reports of a big blue doggish thing, would you?"

"Can do. How big?"

"Not sure. The eyewitnesses here can't seem to agree on the size. Some of them said as big as a bicycle, but the folks at the truck yard said it was closer to an SUV."

"Maybe the dog's getting bigger." 

Jack glanced over at Ianto. _Stop being so negative._

Ianto raised his eyebrow in response. _I'm just looking at all the options._

"All right, I'll keep a lookout for blue size-changing dogs. That everything?"

"Yup. I'll call tomorrow morning. Fill us in then."

"Good night Jack, Ianto."

"G'night, Tosh!"

 

~~

 

" _Cardiff_ ," Clyde scoffed. "I can't believe it's in Cardiff."

"Wh-what's a Cardiff?" Twil said. "Is it far?"

"It's in _Wales_."

"It's not that far," Sarah Jane said. "Just about… three hours?"

"What's wrong with Wales?" Luke asked.

"Well nothing's wrong with it, I guess, it's just… it's the principle of the thing."

"What principle?"

"I think it sounds like fun," Maria said. "I've never been to Wales."

Twil fiddled with the drawstring on her borrowed hoodie. "A-are we going now, then?"

"No, not now," Sarah Jane said. She raised her hands for silence as all four of them protested. "We're _not_ going now, it's late. Your parents must be worried sick!"

Maria shrugged. "We'll call and say we lost track of time and are staying the night."

"Maria, you live _across the street_ ," Sarah Jane laughed.

"Well Luke and I can come with, I'm sure Mum won't mind," Clyde said, making for the door. "I'll get your keys, come on Luke!"

"No you will not!" Sarah Jane scowled. "Go home, Clyde. Ask your mum if you can go to Cardiff tomorrow. _Tomorrow_." Clyde scowled, but obediently went out the door. 

"You too, Maria," Sarah Jane added. "Luke, go make up a bed for Twil to sleep in. And don't worry," she smiled at them. "I'm sure Fnoofy is fine. K-9 will find him, and he can call Mr. Smith once he does. They can look after themselves for a night."

Sarah Jane settled back in her chair with a sigh, listening to the kids clamoring in the hallway, saying their goodnights and making plans. She winced when Maria and Luke declared they were leaving at seven in the morning, but didn't say anything.

"Sarah Jane."

She swiveled around to face Mr. Smith's monitor. "Yes, Mr. Smith, what is it?"

"I have been monitoring the television and news webpages for reports of sightings that might refer to….Fnoofy…. or K-9."

"Oh yes, that's a good idea, Mr. Smith. Anything helpful?"

"Plenty, Sarah Jane. There have been multiple sightings of a large blue creature over the past two days. All recent evidence points to Fnoofy running wild near Cardiff, as you predicted."

"Well that's good, with any luck it won't be too hard to find him, then."

"There is more, Sarah Jane."

"Yes, what is it?"

"These sightings have not gone unnoticed. It seems that a number of individuals have been interested in pursuing Fnoofy's progress. UNIT and Torchwood both seem to have mobilized."

"Oh. Oh dear."

"UNIT in particular has marked Fnoofy as a threat, and has given the order to shoot on sight."

Sarah Jane sighed. "They _would_. Poor Fnoofy." She sat up straight in her chair and looked sternly at Mr. Smith's monitor. "Mr. Smith, don't tell any of the children. Especially Twil, I don't know what she would do."

"Very well, Sarah Jane."

"UNIT hasn't found Fnoofy yet, have they?"

"It does not seem so, Sarah Jane. But they have sent a team out to investigate, and it won't be long before they track Fnoofy to Cardiff as well."

"And Torchwood?"

"I have no information except that their leader was seen asking questions in regards to a large blue creature, and that a personal computer in Cardiff was used to hack into various sources, including the shipping company where K-9 was last seen, investigating the same blue creature."

Sarah Jane put her face in her hands. After a moment, she shook her head and stood up, smiling. "Well, we'll just have to find him first, won't we?" She crossed the attic to the door. "Good _night_ , Clyde! We'll see you in the morning! Go home!"

 

~~

 

"Oh, he's _beautiful!"_  

Tosh was already jogging to the invisible lift as Gwen and Owen descended along with their electric companion.

"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said, wagging his tail. He rolled forward to meet her.

"Careful, he doesn't like to be touched," Gwen said, but Tosh was already kneeling down and running her hands over K-9's metal head. 

"Of course _she_ can pet him without getting zapped," Owen muttered. "He looks kind of clunky to me."

"He's built for function, Owen - he's exactly what he needs to be." Toshiko's hands wandered further over K-9's body. The dog's tail wagged steadily in agreement.

"Function to do what though? Let me guess, that's classified too."

"AFFIRMATIVE," K-9 said again.

"Do you have to talk like that?" Owen said, leaning over Tosh's desk.

"CLARIFY QUERY," K-9 said. "TALK LIKE WHAT?"

"Like that," Owen said. "Affirmative and negative and all that. You're like the stereotypical robot, you know that? You're straight out of an old comic book or a 60s TV show."

"NEGATIVE," K-9 said. "I HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO SPEAK WHATEVER WORDS I CHOOSE, INCLUDING 'YES' AND 'NO.' I CHOOSE MY OWN VOCABULARY."

"It's just the way he talks, Owen," Toshiko said. "The same way Jack still has his accent and Gwen calls everyone 'sweetheart' and you curse all the time."

"Do I really call everyone 'sweetheart'?"

"What were you doing a search for?" Owen said, distracted by Toshiko's monitor. "Is this the thing Jack's looking for?"

"Yeah," Toshiko said, getting up. "Seems it stowed away on a truck and got itself delivered back to Cardiff."

Gwen joined them, nibbling pensively on a chocolate bar. "Well that's handy," she said.

"Ianto seemed a bit put out that they'd wasted a day in London only to have it come back here."

Gwen grinned. "Oh, I'm sure Jack can cheer him up, somehow."

Owen scowled. "Ugh, stop it. I don't need to hear that. Are you eating Myfanwy's chocolate?"

Gwen shrugged and broke him off a piece.

"Well it certainly stands out, doesn't it?" Owen continued, biting into the chocolate and gesturing at the fuzzy picture up on the screen. "Even all blurry like that, it's pretty obviously a… big blue dog. Can't be that hard to find."

Gwen frowned. "Tosh, where was this picture taken?"

"Umm, let me see," Toshiko fiddled with the keyboard, bringing up the information. 

Gwen peered at it. "That's only a block away from that car park," she said. "K-9, is _this_ the lost dog you were trying to find?"

Gwen turned the monitor so the dog could see. He didn't answer.

"K-9?"

"…INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."

"That means yes," Owen said. 

"Then you know what it is?" Toshiko said. "Can you help us find it? What's it doing here?"

"INFORMATION CLASSIFIED."

"Oh come _on_ ," Owen said. "We've got the same goals, here, we can work together. Why won't you tell us anything?"

"I CANNOT REVEAL ANY INFORMATION TO INDIVIDUALS NOT DEEMED TRUSTWORTHY. JUST AS YOU CANNOT TRUST ME, I DO NOT KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST YOU."

"Well, how can we make you trust us?" Gwen said.

K-9 whirred. "BARRING AN AFFIRMATION FROM MY MASTER OR MISTRESS OR OTHER RECOGNIZED TRUSTWORTHY INDIVIDUAL, TRUST MUST BE EARNED BY MUTUAL EXPERIENCE."

Gwen sighed and Owen looked ready to argue some more, but Toshiko just turned her monitor back and raised her voice.

"Jack said we might as well wait until tomorrow morning," she said. "When he and Ianto get back, we can worry about K-9 and the alien dog."

Gwen nodded, privately relieved to be able to leave at a reasonable hour. Maybe Rhys had bought dessert. She put aside Myfanwy's chocolate and started for the door.

"What about him?" Owen said, nodding at K-9. "He already said himself we can't trust him, we shouldn't leave him alone in the Hub."

"I'll stay over," Toshiko said. "I was going to stay to monitor the Rift, anyway. I'll just keep an eye on K-9 while he charges."

Owen raised an eyebrow, but crossed the room to the door where Gwen was waiting uncertainly, and decided not to say anything about Toshiko's technophiliac tendencies.

Toshiko smiled as they left. She set K-9 up next to an outlet, marveled at his remarkable build some more, and settled in for a long night.

 

~~

 

They were only twenty minutes out of Cardiff, supposedly, but Sarah Jane's car had been stuck in traffic for a good hour already. The car in front inched forward, and Sarah Jane's crawled after.

Sarah Jane heard a thump from the back of the car as Clyde leaned forward and rested his head on the seat in front of him. 

"Are we there yet?" he asked in a monotone.

"I wonder what's caused all the traffic," Maria said, peering out the window. "I wonder if there was an accident."

Sarah Jane reached over as Twil, in the front seat, starting fiddling with her hoodie again. "Twil, honey, keep your hood up. I can turn the air on if you're too warm."

Twil put her hands down quickly. "I know. Sorry."

"We should have all painted our faces," Clyde said, leaning back again and staring out the window at the other cars. "Then Twil wouldn't stand out. We could say we were coming back from a party."

"At ten in the morning?" Maria said.

"It was a fun party."

"Why would anyone ask?" Luke asked, sitting between them. "We're in a car. Who would stop to ask? You don't get pulled over for having a blue face."

"You might," Sarah Jane said, grimly. They had moved forward enough that they could see the part of the road that was blocked off. Moving behind the caution tape and directing traffic were a large number of men and women, all wearing red berets.

"Twil, put your hood up and pull it forward. Lean away from my side of the car and try to look asleep."

The kids in the back seat tensed at Sarah Jane's voice.

"What's going on?" Maria whispered.

"UNIT," Sarah Jane said.

"I thought you had friends in UNIT," Clyde said.

"I do," she answered. "But I don't have much authority with them overall, and I really don't want to explain why I have an alien in my front seat."

Twil squeaked nervously. Luke leaned forwards and held her hand. "It'll be fine."

The cars crawled past the UNIT soldiers. Twil huddled in the passenger seat, and the humans held their breath as they passed. The UNIT troopers stared impassively at the cars. Behind the yellow tape, Sarah Jane recognized UNIT scientists examining a stretch of the road, where large gashes had been rent in the concrete. Twil squeaked again, making them all jump.

"That's Fnoofy's sign!" she said. "He always marks his territory with that pattern! He was here!" Ignoring Sarah Jane's startled protests, the alien leaned over into the driver's seat to get a closer look. 

"But that's _blood!"_ Twil cried. "Fnoofy's been injured! Oh no, I bet those awful humans attacked him!"

With some effort, Sarah Jane managed to push Twil back into her seat, aided by Luke and Clyde pulling at her clothes. 

"Don't panic, Twil," she said. "This doesn't look like a cleanup operation, so I don't think they got him. He probably escaped into the city. _Don't worry,_ " she said, staring the weeping alien down. "We'll find him first. Now stay calm, keep your hood up, and we'll be in Cardiff before you know it."

The car fell silent again. Despite Sarah Jane's assertations, the traffic was still barely moving, and as the UNIT squadron fell slowly out of sight, the kids returned to their state of tense boredom, staring out their respective windows.

"Oh, gross!" Clyde said suddenly. "There're two blokes making out in the car next to us!"

Maria leaned over to see. "Oh my god!" she laughed.

Luke frowned. "Why is it gross for two men to be kissing?" he asked Clyde.

"Well - " Clyde stuttered, "Well it isn't, no, I mean I guess not, I just wasn't expecting it."

"Wow, they are _really_ going at it!"

"How can two people of the same sex have intercourse?" Luke asked. "It doesn't serve any reproductive processes."

Maria grinned. "Well, you see Luke…"

"I didn't know humans could change color," Twil said, peering at Sarah Jane's bright red face.

Sarah Jane just stared straight ahead and willed the traffic to _move._

 

~~

 

Gwen was practically skipping as she entered the Hub in the morning. 

"Good morning, Tosh!" she said, flopping down in her chair with a flourish. "Good morning, K-9!"

"GOOD MORNING, MISS GWEN."

"G'morning, Gwen," Toshiko said, yawning a little. "You're awfully bright and sunny this morning."

Gwen grinned. "Rhys made me breakfast," she said. "Chocolate chip banana pancakes. And coffee with a scoop of ice cream in it."

Toshiko glanced resentfully at her own cup of instant coffee. "That sounds wonderful," she sighed.

"You lucky _bitch_ ," added Owen as he stumbled in the door, stopping to glare at it for daring to make a noise so early in the morning.

"Mornin' to you too, Sunshine," Gwen said. 

Owen glared at her and collapsed into his desk, burying his head in his arms. " _Some_ of us didn't get breakfast. Or coffee. Is Ianto back yet? I miss Ianto."

"Just yesterday in the SUV, you were conspiring with K-9 to annoy him into retirement," Gwen pointed out.

"That was before there _wasn't coffee._ " 

"Why didn't you just make your own coffee?" Toshiko said.

"I don't _have_ any. I haven't bought coffee in weeks. I always drink it here."

Toshiko was about to point out how that was his own fault, and Gwen was just about to take pity on him and offer to go to the coffee shop and get something for all of them when the phone went off.

Toshiko tapped her earpiece. "Hello?"

"Tosh," Ianto said. "Jack wanted me to check in."

"Good morning, Ianto," Toshiko said.

Gwen tapped her earpiece and joined in as Owen half-heartedly rummaged through his desk to find his own. "Good morning, Ianto!"

"Good morning, Gwen," Ianto said. 

Owen shouted something not entirely appropriate for polite conversation in Gwen's direction. All Ianto caught was his name and a number of curse words.

"What was that?"

"Owen wants you to know that he misses you dearly, and wishes you were here so you could share lovely conversation and enjoy each other's company. He also was wondering if you could do him the extreme kindness of bringing him a cup of your world-famous coffee when you get in," Gwen translated.

"What she said," Owen said, finally locating his earpiece.

"We're still a couple hours out, it seems, but I'll see what I can do," Ianto said. "Do - do you have anything to report from last night?"

"Not much," Toshiko said. "I kept an eye out for your blue dog, but it seems to have gone into hiding. There haven't been any more eyewitnesses or damage done."

"Though it seems like K-9 was also looking for your dog," Gwen said. "He wouldn't say why."

"K-9?"

"The tin dog from last night," Toshiko explained. "He won't tell us anything about his masters, but apparently he was tracking the same alien you are. He called it a 'lost dog.'"

"O-oh, I see," Ianto said. Jack's voice came through the speakers, unintelligible. "Jack says to stay in the Hub, and we'll deal with it when we get back. Keep the tin dog inside for now. We're stuck in traffic right now, but we sh-should be back within a few hours."

"Ianto, are you alright?" Gwen said. "You sound out of breath."

"I'm fine," he said. "I'm jus- just out of breath, like you s-said."

"Ianto," Gwen said. "What is Jack doing?"

"H-he's - ah… multitasking?"

"Pass Jack the phone, Ianto."

There was a shuffling sound as Ianto obeyed. "Gwen! Good morning! How are you?" Jack said, cheerily.

"Jack, stop groping Ianto while you're driving, it's not safe."

Gwen could just hear the grin in Jack's voice. "We're really not moving at all, Gwen, there's no problem. And it's called a 'handjob,'" he said.

They hung up to the simultaneous cries of Ianto's " _Jack!!"_ and Owen's " _Oh god I didn't need to hear that hang up on him Gwen!_ "

 

~~

 

By ten o'clock, they were still stuck in traffic. Ianto was staring blindly out the window, watching the scenery go slowly by when Jack snapped him out of it.

"UNIT," he said.

"What?"

"UNIT," Jack repeated grimly. "There's a whole bunch of them up ahead."

Ianto peered where Jack was pointing. "So there are," he said. "You want me to see what they're up to?" he added, reaching in the back for the laptop.

"I bet I can guess," Jack said.

"You think they're after the blue dog?"

"Seems likely." Jack shrugged. "Anything else in Cardiff would be out of their jurisdiction, and they'd have to talk with me about it first. They usually try to avoid that."

"I wonder why," Ianto muttered, putting the laptop back.

Jack grinned wolfishly at him, but soon fell back to craning his neck to see around the other cars. "Do you think I should pull over and talk to them?"

"They're not technically in Cardiff yet," Ianto pointed out. 

"Yeah, but I bet they will be." Jack sighed and leaned back in his seat. "Oh well. It's not like I can get all the way over there in this mess anyway. We told Tosh we'd be back over an hour ago."

"I'm sure Owen can manage another hour without imploding from coffee withdrawal."

"I'm not so sure about that," Jack laughed. 

They both fell silent again, staring out the window and watching the uniformed soldiers direct traffic away from the area. Ianto dimly wondered how much one of those hats cost. He also thought about how long he might be able to get away with feeding Owen decaf without anyone noticing, whether or not Myfanwy had eaten all of the sheep carcasses yet, and finally if Jack was as bored as he was, or if he was just enjoying the view of the UNIT soldiers running around waving brightly colored sticks.

He was rather surprised when Jack spoke up again. "What do you think of this robot dog business?"

Ianto shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "Sort of a strange coincidence, I guess, having a robot dog and an alien dog in the same day. Though they do seem to be connected."

"Sure, I get all that," Jack said. "But what do you think about the dog itself?"

Ianto blinked. "I dunno. I haven't seen it yet."

They didn't speak for a minute. 

"I don't really like robots," Ianto said.

Jack glanced at him sympathetically and rested his hand on his thigh, but didn't say anything.

"What about you?" Ianto asked.

Jack thought about it. "I don't really like dogs," he said.

"Really?"

"We used them in the war you know - both wars. Both sides had them, but they always seemed a little off. Even they were definitely soldiers. Seeing them as cute cuddly little pets never really appealed to me." He thought about it a little more. "And they're always jumping all over me or growling. They must not like how I smell."

Ianto nodded. "How about cats?"

Jack shifted about awkwardly. "I _like_ cats," he said, sounding uncertain. "But they make me uncomfortable."

"Why's that?"

"Well…" Jack frowned, thinking. "In the future, there are these cat people."

"Oh god," Ianto said. "You've had sex with a cat, haven't you?"

"No!" Jack said. "I haven't - okay, I know I sometimes give that impression, but I haven't _actually_ had sex with every alien in the future."

Ianto raised an eyebrow.

"I _haven't!"_ he said. "…The ones I met were nuns."

"That doesn't always stop you."

Jack glared. "My being uncomfortable around cats has nothing to do with sex," he said. "But these people - their young look just like Earth kittens, except that they can talk and everything. It's just weird being around something you expect to be as smart as - or smarter than, they're damn clever, cat people - you are."

The UNIT soldiers were mostly out of sight by then. Jack looked back at them through the mirror.

"You going to be okay with the robot?" 

Ianto turned back out the window. "I'll manage. At least it isn't a cyborg dog."

They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes, watching the scenery crawl by. Jack grinned.

"Hey, Ianto, look out my window! There're two guys in the car next to us making out!"

"Don't you get _any_ ideas, Jack, I can see children in the next car over."

 

~~

 

Owen seemed to have recovered from his caffeine deficiency, if looks were anything to go by. After a half hour of bored waiting, he had idly asked K-9 if he played fetch, only to receive a "NEGATIVE." They had compromised by Owen tossing tongue depressors across the room and having K-9 promptly vaporize them with a laser that seemed to come from his nose.

Gwen watched the destruction with half an eye, rather bored herself. The other half of her attention was on Toshiko, who was still looking for information on the blue dog. They'd given up on asking K-9 for help, as they'd only receive "INFORMATION CLASSIFIED" in response, and they couldn't risk letting him run loose to sniff it out himself, so Toshiko was on her own, scouring CCTV records, police reports, and even blogs for sightings of the creature. She hadn't had any luck so far.

They all looked up as the entrance alarm sounded.

"Good morning, Torchwood!" Jack called, hopping down the stairs after Ianto, who was dutifully carrying four mugs of hot coffee.

"My hero," Toshiko cooed, accepting her mug. "I've been drinking instant."

"It's nearly noon, Jack," Gwen pointed out.

"Still counts as morning!"

Owen took his mug silently, but raised the last of his tongue depressors in a thankful salute. Ianto frowned at him in confusion.

Owen tossed the tongue depressor into the air. It disintegrated with a _VOOP!_

Jack jumped at the sound and turned around to glare at Owen. 

Owen grinned. "He followed me home, can I keep him?"

K-9 rolled up to Ianto, tail wagging. Ianto stepped back, uncertainly.

"Jack, Ianto, this is K-9. We found him in a car park last night, apparently after your blue dog," Toshiko said. "K-9, this is Ianto Jones and Captain Jack Harkness."

"GREETINGS," K-9 said. "I AM K-9 MARK IV. IT IS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU."

"Hello," Ianto said nervously. At Jack's urging gesture, he sighed and knelt down to K-9's level. "Nice to meet you too."

Jack left them to it, heading over to Toshiko's desk to see what she'd been working on. "What have you got for me?"

"Not much," Toshiko sighed. "I've been looking, but the creature's definitely gone into hiding. I can't find anything on it after last night."

"What about UNIT?"

"What _about_ UNIT?"

"There was a blockade on the way in, the same way the truck went," Ianto said, watching in amusement as K-9 extended a sensor to 'sniff' his outstretched hand. "We think they must be after the same creature we are. They were definitely heading into Cardiff, and from what we saw of the scene, it matched the other places the dog's run amok in."

"I'll check now."

Ianto straightened up to join Jack and Gwen at Toshiko's desk. K-9 rolled behind him, extending his sensors again to examine the hem of Jack's coat.

"It's definitely our dog," Tosh said. "Apparently it's been running around London for just over a day. Just before it got into Cardiff, it apparently jumped out of the lorry it was in, knocking it over, and stopping to dig up the road. That's what you saw UNIT investigating. They intercepted it and managed to shoot it twice in the shoulder before it got away. Agents at the scene reported that it appeared to grow larger when it was attacked."

Ianto raised an eyebrow at Jack. "I told you."

"Lots of animals look bigger when threatened, it probably just fluffed itself up and arched its back," Jack said. 

"UNIT has issued orders to kill the creature on sight. It's believed to be highly dangerous."

"NEGATIVE," K-9 said.

They all looked down at him in surprise. 

"What do you mean, negative?" Owen asked. 

"THE DOG IS NOT A THREAT," K-9 said. "HE IS A PET, DESIGNATION: FNOOFY, CURRENTLY 8 EARTH MONTHS OLD, BELONGING TO A 12-YEAR-OLD TAKARAN NAMED TWIL. HE RAN AWAY WHEN HER TRANSPORT SHIP MADE AN EMERGENCY LANDING IN EALING, LONDON."

"Ealing?" Gwen asked. "What - how do you know all this?"

"MY MISTRESS WAS PRESENT WHEN THE SHIP WAS FORCED TO LAND. THE INCIDENT OCCURRED ONLY FIVE KILOMETERS AWAY FROM HER HOME."

"What the hell?" Owen said. "I thought all that information was 'classified.' Why are you telling us now?"

"I WAS DISPATCHED BY MY MISTRESS TO TRACK FNOOFY AND RETURN HIM SAFELY TO HIS MISTRESS," K-9 finished. "I AM RELEASING THE INFORMATION BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED TRUSTWORTHY."

"Well that's something," Gwen said. "He wouldn't tell us anything yesterday."

"K-9," Jack said, kneeling down. "Who is your mistress?"

"SARAH JANE SMITH," K-9 answered without hesitation.

Jack whistled. "Sarah Jane Smith," he repeated. "I've heard of her. Independent extraterrestrial liaison. Used to work with UNIT, I think. She does good work."

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"So you can tell us, because you've determined that we're not a threat to your mistress, right?" Toshiko asked.

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"But how did you come to that conclusion? You said only your mistress could determine that, or through a long period of working together."

"You saw him, he just sniffed Jack and Ianto and decided we were okay," Owen said. The others all stared at him. He shrugged. "Well he _is_ a dog. Probably judges us all on our smell."

"PARTIALLY CORRECT," K-9 said. "BUT IT WAS NOT MY OLFACTORY SENSORS THAT DETERMINED MY DECISION. MY SENSORS INDICATED PROLONGED ASSOCIATION WITH MY MASTER: THIS IMPLIES HIS AFFIRMATION OF YOUR CHARACTER."

"What?" Jack said.

K-9's tail wagged. "MY SENSORS DETECT TRACES OF ARTRON AND HUON ENERGY," he explained, "ENERGY NOT FOUND NATURALLY ON EARTH, AND BACKGROUND RADIATION UNIQUE TO INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE TRAVELED IN THE TARDIS."

Jack stared hard at the robot dog.

"Wait," he said. "Your master is _the Doctor?!_ "

"AFFIRMATIVE."

Jack's face split into a huge grin. "Okay," he said. "I trust you too, then, K-9."

He spun around and clapped his hands, grinning at his team. "Right, so the dog is not dangerous, UNIT thinks it is, little girl is looking for it. Let's find this 'Fnoofy' before they do. Tosh, keep an eye on all UNIT communications and CCTV. Ianto, I want you to watch the public, TV, internet, rumors, anything that might be our dog causing trouble. Owen, grab your medkit, if the dog is injured, you're going to need to fix it up - you and Gwen are with me." He smirked back at K-9. "You up for a walk, little dog? We need your nose."

K-9 wagged his tail. "AFFIRMATIVE."

 

~~

 

After wandering around the city for hours, Sarah Jane finally managed to convince the kids to take a break for an early dinner. They hadn't had any luck so far - there didn't seem to be any more of Fnoofy's signature markings around, and Mr. Smith had yet to report any more UNIT sightings or possible places Fnoofy could be. 

The kids looked downhearted. Clyde was the only one of them actually eating, but he was glaring at the plate like it was the naan's fault they couldn't find the missing dogs. Maria was staring blankly out the window, sucking down her soda. Twil appeared to be separating everything on her plate by color, and Luke was just staring at his plate, pushing his curry around in circles despondently.

Sarah Jane wanted to say something. In her head, she got as far as "Cheer up, kids," and "I'm sure we'll find them eventually," before it started turning into things like "I'm sure UNIT hasn't shot and killed and dissected anybody yet," or "I bet K-9 didn't run out of batteries and get thrown out with the trash," so she wound up just not saying anything, doing her best to make sure everyone ate something and continued to think positively.

The thing was, Sarah Jane thought, K-9 could have called them. He was a smart little robot dog, and he could easily connect to Mr. Smith or even Sarah Jane's own mobile. But the line remained stubbornly silent, and there was no way to do it the other way around and call the dog herself.

She decided to try speaking again.

"Chee-" she said, and everyone looked up at her, and her mobile rang.

Sarah Jane gave up the peptalk mid-syllable, and snatched her phone from her purse.

"Hello?"

"Sarah Jane," Mr. Smith said.

"Mr. Smith!" Sarah Jane said in relief. The kids all perked up visibly. "What's the news?"

"Fnoofy has been located by UNIT," Mr. Smith said. "They are making preparations to transport the animal to the nearest base. They are awaiting backup before taking action."

"Where?" Sarah Jane asked, grabbing her purse and heading to the door with the kids in line behind her, glad that they'd chosen a restaurant where they could pay before sitting down.

"I can direct you," Mr. Smith said, fully aware that Sarah Jane had no idea where anyplace in Cardiff was. 

"Thanks," Sarah Jane said. "Have you heard anything from K-9?"

"Not yet," Mr. Smith said, entirely unconcerned.

"He hasn't tried to contact you?"

"I would tell you if he had," the computer said, sounding a little offended.

"Right, sorry," Sarah Jane said as everyone piled into the car. "Safety belts, everybody! All right, Mr. Smith. Direct us."

 

~~

 

If anybody thought it was a strange sight, they didn't say anything. Owen seemed utterly unconcerned as he pulled various devices and chemicals and medical equipment out of his bag, cheerfully describing exactly what each one was supposed to do, what it actually did, and the ways in which it had needed to be modified in order to avoid side effects like oozing purple or imploding, depending on what planet the patient was from. 

"I'm fairly certain this shouldn't do any harm," the doctor explained to Gwen, holding up a vial full of orange glowing stuff that Gwen thought looked very harmful indeed. "It's used on lots of different planets as a painkiller, for all kinds of species. The Wileips traded the recipe for a plate of biscuits, and it's come in handy quite a bit, though it did turn Tosh blue for about two hours before we got the dosage right."

Jack appeared similarly carefree, striding purposefully a short ways ahead of them, whistling to himself. Just ahead of him, connected by a red dog lead, was K-9, his head to the ground as he rolled along, sensors searching for the blue dog's - Fnoofy's - trail, his metal tail wagging steadily. 

Gwen couldn't help glancing around to see if anyone was staring at them, as they rightfully should have been. She thought she had gotten used to doing strange things in public by now - her short time as team leader had put her in public situations at least as bizarre as this one - but the talking metal dog still seemed like a bit much. The few people she noticed who did stop and stare were mostly children who seemed to think K-9 was some sort of neat toy. A couple of adults looked at them strangely, only to roll their eyes and go on their way once they saw Jack. Gwen could practically hear them muttering to themselves, _bloody Torchwood._

She sighed and tried to turn her attention back to Owen, who was now showing off some sort of pinkish sparkly liquid, keeping one eye on Jack's coat as it swished around a corner a few meters ahead.

"Gwen! Owen! We got something."

Owen shoved the sparkly stuff back into his bag and they ran to catch up. Jack and K-9 had stopped, and were staring across the street at a restaurant with a broken window. The area was cordoned off by police, and a man was yelling at one of the officers, gesticulating wildly at the broken glass.

"Tosh," Jack said, "Break-in on Brunswick, what do you have?"

"Let me see," Tosh's voice said. "Looks like nothing special. Front window broken, big mess made, some food stolen. The place was closed, no witnesses. Report says it's vandals."

"MY SENSORS INDICATE FNOOFY CONTINUED ACROSS THE STREET TO THE LOCATION OF THE INCIDENT," K-9 said.

"You sure?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"All right," Jack said. "Come on then kids, let's go see if we can pick up the trail."

Jack strolled across the street with K-9 following close behind. Gwen paused to placate the officers and assure the angry owner they were just there to investigate as the others ducked under the caution tape and began to fiddle with things.

The owner confirmed what Tosh had already told them, albeit with a lot more yelling and cursing out his employees. After a good 10 minutes of being yelled at, Gwen managed to unload him onto a hapless rookie officer and, relieved that it was no longer her job to do that sort of thing, went into the building to find the others.

She found Owen kneeling in the ravaged kitchen, examining the remains of a refrigerator and munching on a roll of salami.

"I think this place is in bad enough form without you stealing food, too."

Owen glanced up at her. "He can't sell this, it's a health risk," he said, and took another bite off the top.

Gwen rolled her eyes and grabbed it from him. "So what do you think?"

"Looks to me like Fnoofy was just hungry. Smelled something good, came in, wrecked the place, ate stuff. We found some bloodstains on the walls, but not all that much, so I think the bullet wound's probably pretty superficial, though we should really get to it as soon as possible before it gets infected." He stood up and looked at Gwen with a raised eyebrow. "Why do you get to eat that and I don't?"

Gwen took one last vindictive bite of the salami and handed it back to him. "Oh shut up, I didn't have lunch either, you know."

"Yeah, but you get to go home and have your boytoy make you filet mignon or lasagna or pancakes. I have to go home and eat frozen pizza."

"We're having casserole," Gwen corrected him as they headed out the unhinged back door. "There's nothing stopping you from cooking nice things too, you know."

"What, exhaustion from chasing alien dogs all over the city isn't a good enough reason?"

Behind the restaurant, Jack was watching K-9 roll around between the rubbish bins, examining the ground in his search for Fnoofy's trail.

"Any luck?" Gwen asked.

"FNOOFY DEPARTED THIS AREA APPROXIMATELY TWO HOURS AGO IN A NORTHEASTERLY DIRECTION."

"We're catching up," Jack said, "I guess."

"We're going to be out all night at this rate," Owen whined. "Gwen, tell Rhys I'm coming home with you to steal your casserole."

"You keep away from my dinner, you parasite."

"Stop fighting, kids, the sooner we get this over with the sooner you can go home," Jack said, pushing past them to pick up K-9's leash. "If we don't find him after another couple hours we can stop for pizza or something."

"I'm actually getting sick of pizza," Owen said, "and I didn't think that was possible."

They were interrupted by Tosh's voice in their ears. "Guys, I've got a UNIT report coming in."

"What is it?" Jack said, immediately dropping the subject of dinner and going back into business mode.

"UNIT's got Fnoofy cornered in an empty office building. They've secured all the exits, but are waiting for backup before they go in."

"Tosh, you and Ianto get the SUV and come pick us up, quickly. Let's see if we can finish this up before midnight, hopefully without getting anyone's pets put down."

"Yes sir," said Ianto's voice. "We're already on our way."

"We'll meet you out front," Jack said, gesturing to Gwen and Owen. "Let's go!"

 

~~

 

They were almost ready to go in. One team was already inside, keeping tabs on the animal's movements and making sure it didn't get back out. The other two had just finished their equipment checks and were just about to move into position at the building's two entrances. Each team was equipped with a high-powered rifle in addition to their tranq guns, which were really just being taken out of protocol. 

But then a call came in from the back entrance.

"Sir," the soldier on the line said, "We found a woman trying to get in. She insists she has a right to be here."

"Well who the hell is she?" 

"Seems to be a journalist, sir."

"Send her away," the officer said, immediately dismissing the problem. "No press. Not even a cover story if we can get away with it."

There was a pause as the soldier attempted to send away the woman. To the officer's surprise, there was suddenly a lot of shouting nearby where he was standing. A short, middle aged woman in black jeans and a collared shirt pushed past all of the surprised guards, ducking under the caution tape and stalking straight up to him.

"Miss, you aren't allowed back here."

"Oh, I'm not, am I?" the woman said. "I think you'll find that I am, actually."

"Look, just who the hell are you?"

"My name is Sarah Jane Smith."

_Oh no_ , the officer thought, recognizing the name. Officially, Miss Smith had no authority with UNIT, and was to be treated just like any other civilian. Unofficially, he knew he would be in big trouble with his superiors for sending her away and not listening to her argument. 'Companion's Privilege' was the unofficial name for it, and it came up unpleasantly often, though he never thought he would have to deal with it himself.

"Miss Smith, I fully understand that you are something of an expert in these matters, but I can assure you, we have everything under control - "

"Oh do you? I suppose 'under control' to you means shooting a harmless animal that hasn't done anything to hurt you?"

_Oh god she's a hippie_ , the officer thought unkindly. Just like that awful situation in Australia last year with Jovanka.

"I can assure you that all efforts are being made to ensure that nobody is harmed, and force is only being used if absolutely necessary."

Miss Smith's face quite clearly said _that's bullshit and you know it._ He did his best not to fidget under her gaze. 

"You listen to me, I've been following… the creature since I discovered its crash site, and I know how to handle it without anyone getting hurt."

"Miss Smith, I can't just let you - "

"You _can_ and you _will_."

"Listen, this is a UNIT operation, I cannot let a civilian - even you, Miss Smith - be put into any kind of dangerous situation."

"You can let me decide what's dangerous."

"Please, let us take care of this," the officer said, wincing as he realized he was coming off like he was begging. "We have a team of highly trained experts - "

"Experts? I've been dealing with alien visitors since your team was in _diapers_ , by myself, and without the use of weapons."

The officer was extremely relieved when another soldier came running up from the direction of the front entrance.

"Sir," he said, saluting. "We have a situation at the front, we need your assistance at once."

"Right," the officer said. He turned to the nearest group of soldiers. "You there, make sure Miss Smith remains out here."

He marched quickly off with the messenger to the sounds of Miss Smith berating the group and demanding to be let into the building immediately. He sighed in relief.

"Good timing, soldier. What's the problem at the front?"

"Captain Harkness of Torchwood is demanding entrance and saying we have no jurisdiction in Cardiff without his permission and that we have to leave."

"Oh bloody hell," the officer said, feeling rather as if he'd just been ordered to carry an elephant on his back through a desert full of Daleks.

As he slumped along behind the messenger towards the commotion at the front, the back entrance team found itself having to physically barricade Miss Smith from the door as they pleaded with her. Nobody noticed the four teenagers opening a locked window with the use of a glowing lipstick, and they climbed inside unimpeded.

 

~~

 

"All right," Gwen said, peering carefully around the corner. "Let's go!" 

She ran ahead, carefully avoiding the UNIT soldiers as they ran up to see what all the yelling was about. Jack was expertly barraging the commanding officer with criticisms and demands about protocol that were probably absolute nonsense. The poor fellow looked absolutely exhausted, staring blankly at Jack as if he'd suddenly sprouted a unicorn horn from his forehead.

"They're never going to let us in without accompanying us," Jack had said. "And we can't have them getting their hands on K-9, of course, so while I distract them, you all sneak in and get Fnoofy out of there."

"How exactly are we supposed to sneak a giant electric blue dog out of a building with guarded exits full of people specifically looking out for it?" Ianto pointed out.

Jack shrugged.

The first step had been easy enough, though. All four of them, along with K-9, had made it in unnoticed. Now the question was simply finding Fnoofy. And getting him medical attention. And getting him out of the building. Without being caught by UNIT.

Gwen gestured for Toshiko to go ahead of her. She hurried ahead and placed K-9 down to sniff the way ahead. They went silently down the darkened hallways; the little tin dog leading the way, followed by Tosh with her sensors, Gwen, resisting the urge to pull out her pistol, Owen, idly fiddling with his syringe again, and Ianto trailing behind, keeping a lookout for anyone following them. 

K-9 led them to a stairwell. Gwen was rather gratified to finally get to see the dog's hover mode, as she had been worried she'd have had to carry him again. After four flights, she rather wished he could have carried _her_ , or at least found the lift. 

"CAUTION," K-9 said, stopping at the door. "MY SENSORS INDICATE HUMAN LIFESIGNS BEYOND THIS POINT."

"Is there another way around?" Toshiko asked.

"I don't think so," Ianto murmured. "We'd have to go back down and around, and we'd just have the same problem on the other side."

"So we need a distraction," Owen said, peering out the little window to get a glimpse of the UNIT soldiers. "Any volunteers?"

"Why don't you go?" Ianto said.

"Because I'm the one with the medkit. Unless _you'd_ like to pull bullets out of an angry spacedog? I'll gladly trade."

"Do you think one of those offices has a cup of pens or something?" Gwen asked suddenly.

"Probably," Ianto said. "Why?"

"Wait here," Gwen said and ducked down to pick up K-9. "Tell me when they're not looking, then open the door for me."

Owen looked out the window again, his hand on the door handle. 

"…Now!"

He pulled the door open and Gwen slipped through, hurrying down the hall away from the soldiers. He and Ianto closed the door as quietly as possible, listening with bated breath as Gwen's footsteps, muffled by the carpeting, faded. 

There was a loud slam from down the hall as she ran into an empty meeting room.

"What was that?" said one of the soldiers, whipping around. The other two immediately turned and ran down the hall towards the sound. 

Just before they reached the stairwell, there was a small flash of red light and a loud _VOOP!_ from the other side of the hall. 

"What the hell?!"

All three soldiers turned and ran towards the source of the strange sound. Owen grinned and pulled the door open. 

"Fetch!" he said, and ran ahead to peer around the corner. Ianto and Tosh followed behind, just as there was another loud _VOOP!_ from down the hall.

"You think Fnoofy's in there?" Toshiko whispered, nodding at the door the UNIT soldiers had been lingering in front of. 

"Probably," Ianto said. "'Conference Room 1,' it says, probably plenty of room for a giant dog."

"Only one way to find out," Owen said, shrugging his bag into a more comfortable position. 

Taking one last look down the hall, the three of them ran ahead and through the door. 

Conference Room 1 was a disaster area. It was a very large meeting room, with space for two long tables to run through the middle of it. Both tables were in pieces, scattered all over the room. A large number of chairs in various states of obliteration were also littered about the area, along with what might have been a projector before it had been chewed on.

Huddled in the far end of the room, in front of the shredded projector screen, was Fnoofy. When Ianto shut the door behind him, the Takaran pet scrambled to his feet, a growl low in his throat as he turned his large, red, pupilless eyes towards the trio. The smaller pair of red eyes resting on the creature's brow narrowed, and as he snarled, his fur bristled, the dark blue spines on his back rose, and his long tail lashed behind him, knocking the destroyed screen off the wall.

His fangs bared, claws out in front of him, Fnoofy stood on all four giant paws, and, even hunkered down and glaring, his back scraped the ceiling, the spines sending a light fixture crashing to the floor.

Ianto swallowed. "I don't think it's fluffing itself up," he said.

Toshiko unconsciously took a step back and shrunk down behind him. "The UNIT report said it gets bigger when it's threatened."

"He's favoring his right side," Owen said, squinting as Fnoofy took a cautious step over the trampled laptops towards them. "Must be where they shot him, doesn't look too bad though."

He took a step to the side, pulling Toshiko behind him and giving Ianto a light nudge in the other direction. "Try and keep him occupied, I need to get around him to see the wound."

Ianto gave him a quick glance of _have you lost your mind?!_ , but carefully made his way around the broken table.

"Here boy," he said quietly, and Fnoofy's giant head swung around to stare at him with all four eyes. "Good dog, nice Fnoofy. Who's a good boy?"

Owen and Toshiko moved slowly around the other side of the room, keeping their eyes on Fnoofy as he turned, following Ianto's movements with his big blue head as he whistled and coaxed the dog's attention away from the pair. They climbed carefully over the ruins of the other table, and Owen nudged Toshiko to move closer to Fnoofy's head.

"I'm going to hit him with a tranquilizer," he whispered. "It should take only a second to kick in, but I need you two to hold him down if he freaks out."

"Right," Tosh whispered back, trying to breathe normally.

Ianto kept one eye on Fnoofy as Owen carefully slung his bag around and unzipped it. He took a cautious step forwards, raising his hands and still cooing to the dog as he advanced.

"Niiice doggy," he murmured, and his eyes flicked from Fnoofy's confused but still nervously growling face to Owen loading a large syringe with alien tranquilizer. He glanced at Toshiko, who glanced back and nodded that she was ready. Back to Fnoofy, whose tongue lolled out of the side of his mouth as it opened slightly. Owen, peering briefly over the dog's shoulder, steadied himself, and nodded back at Ianto as well.

"Now!" he said, and they all stepped forwards.

 

~~

 

Luke led the way, and all four children walked quickly through the darkened hallways, opening every door they passed to check for any sign of Fnoofy. 

"No," Clyde said, slamming another door. "No. No. Nooo."

He shut the last door in the hall and turned to glare back at Luke. "We're never going to find him this way. Sarah Jane can't distract those UNIT blokes forever! We're only on the second floor!"

"Do you have a better idea, then?" Maria snapped. "Come on, let's go on up then. We’re bound to find Fnoofy eventu-"

She cut herself off as footsteps echoed through the hall from the stairwell. Eyes wide, she grabbed Twil's arm and pulled her through the nearest door. Luke grabbed Clyde and followed, only to be yanked backwards. 

"Are you crazy? That's the ladies' room!"

Luke barely spared the blue sign on the door a glance before forcing Clyde through.

The hallway was silent for a moment, and then the stairway door burst open with a bang.

"Quick, in here," came a woman's voice with a strong Welsh accent. "Hurry!"

Another door shut, and everything went quiet again. 

The kids pressed against the door, listening. 

_What was that?_ Maria mouthed.

_No idea,_ Clyde mouthed back.

They cautiously pressed the door open to peek out.

The stairway door opened again. Three men in UNIT uniforms ran out, guns at the ready. The kids shrunk back, just barely keeping the door open a crack. 

"Where did it go?" one of the soldiers said, whipping around.

"Check the rooms," another one answered. "It must be here somewhere."

All three soldiers began opening doors at random, advancing down the corridor. The kids held their breath as they got closer.

_They won't come in here, will they?_  

Maria stared at Clyde like he was crazy. _They're soldiers, they won't stop just because it's the girls' room!_

They both stopped as Luke nudged them, gesturing to look down the hall. Behind the soldiers' backs, a door right beside the stair opened up a crack, and a small metal dog came rolling out.

Maria heard Luke stifle himself from calling to K-9 right then and there. They watched silently as the door opened further, and a woman dressed all in black carefully stepped out behind K-9. She glanced back at the soldiers, then gestured for K-9 to go back into the stairwell. She held the door open as he rolled in, but they both paused in the doorway, and she reached into her jacket to pull out a pencil.

The woman grinned and tossed the pencil so it hit the ceiling just behind the soldiers, and K-9 vaporized it with a _VOOP!_ The soldiers whipped around, but their guns were left pointing at a small pile of ashes and a closed door.

"God _dammit!_ " one of the soldiers said. "We're being toyed with!"

Nonetheless, all three turned heel and ran back towards the stairs after K-9 and the woman. 

Their footsteps faded away down the stairs, and the kids relaxed. 

"Who was that woman?" Luke asked, stepping out of the restroom and staring back the closed stairway door. "What was she doing with K-9?"

"I don't know," Maria said. "What on earth were they doing?"

"Do we go after them?" Clyde said uncertainly.

"Wh- what about Fnoofy?" Twil asked, stepping nervously out.

Luke stared at the stairway door. "I think… I don't think K-9's in any danger. He looked alright with that woman. And that looked like some sort of distraction to me." He looked up at the ceiling. "They came from upstairs. We should probably go up there."

He glanced back at Clyde and Maria for confirmation. They nodded, and the four of them headed back to the stairs. 

There was a loud thump and a small yelping sound from above them, and they all stopped on the steps to look up.

" _Fnoofy!_ " Twil cried, and bounded up ahead of the humans to the fifth floor. They followed close behind as she sprinted down the hall, glancing back and forth at the many rooms. 

"Where is he?!" she asked, grasping her hoodie's drawstrings again and pulling frantically. 

"Calm down, Twil!" Maria said, grabbing her hands. "I'm sure Fnoofy's fine, just calm dow-"

There was another thump from down the hall, followed by muffled shouting. Twil whipped around and ran towards the sound, yanking the door open despite her companions' protests.

The four of them stumbled into a wrecked room, filled with rubble and overturned chairs. In the corner of the room, a man and a small Asian woman were pinning Fnoofy's muzzle to the ground, throwing their whole weights into the effort as the dog struggled weakly. A second man was leaning on Fnoofy's shoulder, his arms covered with blood, and a large syringe in his hand.

"FNOOFY!" Twil screamed, leaping over the ruined furniture. "Let go of him! Let go of my dog! Fnoofy!"

The two holding Fnoofy down jumped at Twil's sudden outburst, and the dog immediately reared up, knocking the bloody man to the side. 

"Damn it!" he shouted. "Hold him down, hold him down!"

"I'm _trying!_ " shouted the other man, clinging to Fnoofy's nose as he whimpered and shook his head. 

"Let go of my dog!" Twil shouted again. Clyde and Maria lunged forwards to grab her, getting a hold of her hoodie. "Let go of me, they're hurting him!" she cried, shaking her head and knocking her hood off. Her big green eyes welled up with tears as she struggled.

"We are _not_!" the man snarled, grabbing Fnoofy's shoulder again and yanking him down. "I'm _trying_ to get these fu- these stupid bullets out of his shoulder! You're his owner?"

Twil nodded dumbly.

"Then get over here and calm this beast down so I can finish!"

Twil hesitated, but stepped cautiously forwards. She glanced at the adults awkwardly, but she hurried over to Fnoofy and pulled his head back down.

"It's alright, Fnoofy," she murmured, stroking his nose. He whimpered and looked at her sadly with his four eyes. "It's okay, good Fnoofy."

The man tugged at Fnoofy's matted fur, pushing it aside to get at the bullet wound. "Thank you," he said. "Tosh, there's a flashlight in my bag, grab it and point it where I'm working." He glanced back up at the kids briefly, holding up the syringe. "This is a painkiller, I'm injecting it so that I can get the bullets out without him rearing up again and crushing all of us. It's not going to hurt him, got it?"

Twil nodded, and he shoved the needle into Fnoofy's flesh. The dog twitched, but Twil and the other man held him down. The other children ran forwards to help, petting his fur and murmuring to calm him.

The doctor gestured for the woman to take the syringe, then for her to step forwards and shine the light at a different angle, straight into the large hole in Fnoofy's shoulder.

"He wasn't nearly this big before," Clyde said.

"He gets big when he's scared," Twil said. "I've been training him to do it on command but he's still just a puppy."

"Can you make him small again?" Maria asked, petting Fnoofy's fur down. 

Twil nodded, but the doctor, digging carefully in the wound with very long tweezers, snapped at them. "Don't you dare, this has been irritated enough. If he gets any smaller, those bullets aren't going anywhere. As it is, I can get them out, but if he's small, they're bound to get embedded in the muscle and he'll need real surgery."

Twil squeaked nervously. The doctor gave her what might have been a reassuring glance, then looked back to the wound, pulling out the first bullet and dropping it in his disgusted assistant's hand. "Almost done."

Fnoofy had mostly settled down by the time he got the second bullet, lying on his stomach with his head down and waving his tail miserably. The doctor stepped back and examined the wound from a distance, frowning.

"Right," he said. "You're not gonna get him out easily if he stays like this. You try and get him to do his shrinking trick, but stop if I tell you to, alright sweetheart?"

Twil nodded, and turned to Fnoofy. She scratched his head and murmured something softly to him.

Fnoofy struggled to his feet, shaking himself as if he were wet. The dog tensed up, and, with what looked like quite an effort and a lot of concentration, his spines flattened against his back, his tail tucked under, and his body began to shrink.

The doctor frowned at the creaking and popping sounds that seemed to be Fnoofy's bones rearranging themselves, but he kept his eyes on the wound and didn't say anything. 

When Fnoofy was down to the size of a small retriever, he shook himself again and trotted over to Twil happily, his spines fluffing up again and his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. Twil smiled and pulled him into her arms, burying her face in his fur.

"Hold it," the doctor said. "I still have to close and disinfect the wound."

Twil held Fnoofy out obediently. The kids watched as the man applied some sort of balm to the wound. Their eyes went wide as the woman handed him a strange device, and as he pointed it at Fnoofy's flesh, it closed with only a small patch of furlessness to show there had ever been a cut.

"Right," he said, straightening out. "That should do it."

"Thank you," Twil said, hugging Fnoofy to herself.

"Yeah, thanks," Clyde said. "Who are you?"

The three adults, gathering up their equipment, paused, and stared at the kids.

"We're, um," said the woman.

"Animal Control," said the other man, his face absolutely straight.

"Yeah," the doctor agreed, though he sounded a little off. "You… you should keep your dog on a leash. You could get a fine if we catch him again."

The woman nodded in agreement.

Luke frowned, Maria suppressed a giggle, and Clyde raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Animal Control."

"That's right."

The two groups stared at each other without saying anything, an unspoken agreement of _I won't say anything if you don't._

The silence was broken by the door opening. They all whipped around, the adults reaching for their jackets and belts for weapons that Animal Control probably wouldn't have, but it was just the woman in black, striding in cheerfully with K-9 in her wake.

"All done then?" she asked. "Coast's all clear, I've got the UNIT blokes guarding a mouse hole down in the basement."

"GOOD EVENING, MASTER LUKE," K-9 said, rolling forwards and wagging his tail. "GOOD EVENING, CLYDE, MARIA."

"K-9!" Clyde said, and stepped forwards to meet him only to be pushed aside by Luke.

"We looked everywhere for you!" Luke said, bending down and patting K-9 on the head. "Where have you been?"

"APOLOGIES, MASTER LUKE."

"You should keep that one on a leash too," the doctor said, walking ahead to meet the woman. He shoved his bag into her arms and turned back to the kids. "And take him for more walks, he's obviously been deprived of a healthy amount of exercise, it's not good for dogs. See ya 'round, K-9. Let's get out of here, I'm starving."

"GOOD BYE, OWEN."

"Bye bye, K-9," the Asian woman said, following the doctor out but pausing to pat K-9 on the head. "Good dog."

"AFFIRMATIVE, MISS TOSHIKO. GOOD BYE. GOOD BYE MISS GWEN, IANTO."

The last two smiled back at the kids, then jogged out the door after their teammates.

The kids stared after them at the closed door.

"No way that was Animal Control," Clyde said.

Maria snorted. "No kidding," she said.

"I wonder if they get paid to do that. Can you imagine getting paid to do the stuff we do?"

"It's enough just to help the aliens we meet."

"You're such a goody-goody, Luke. You gotta look to the future, figure out how to make some cash from all this."

The kids stopped their bickering when the door opened again suddenly.

"By the way, you might want to put your hood back up before you go out," the Welsh woman said. "And hide the dogs, UNIT's still outside, you know."

Twil squeaked again, her antennae perking up from under her short black hair in surprise. She immediately tugged her hood back in place, blushing purple under her scales. The woman grinned and shut the door behind her as she jogged to catch up with her team.

" _Definitely_ not Animal Control," Clyde repeated.

 

~~

 

Jack was really beginning to have trouble thinking of any more excuses why UNIT had to let him in without an escort. It was particularly difficult, because the officer had, in fact, already yielded to all his demands. Jack was trying his best to think of more outrageous demands, but the look on the poor man's face made him feel more like giving him a big hug, or possibly bursting out laughing. 

He was considering shouting at the officer to get him a pizza or a coffee just for the hell of it, when Owen and Toshiko strolled casually out of the building.

"'Scuse me, mate," the doctor said, walking past the UNIT soldiers guarding the door. Ianto and Gwen followed shortly after, arms linked as had become their habit lately, Owen's bag slung over Gwen's shoulder.

Jack pushed past the sputtering officer to meet his team. "All done?"

"Taken care of," said Owen. 

"Okay then." Jack turned to the officer and shook his hand firmly. "Thanks for your cooperation. Hope to work with you again soon."

"Right," said the officer, obviously desperate to just be left alone by all these crazy people and go home. 

Gwen stifled a laugh at Jack's obvious wink, and the five of them turned back towards the SUV. Jack was saying something about looking forwards to getting a full night's sleep for once, though his shared glance with Ianto implied that he probably wouldn't be anyway, and Owen seemed to be promising Tosh a taste of his casserole that he was going to steal from Gwen, but her attention turned to a little green car parked a little ways down the road. 

The little Takaran girl, her hood safely back on her head, helped what appeared to be a small black jacket with blue paws climb into the back seat. The human girl and one of the boys seemed to be helping K-9 into the boot, but the tall boy was talking to a short woman and gesturing in the general direction of the Torchwood team.

Ianto, still holding Gwen's arm, came to a stop as she did. The rest of the team paused as well, seeing them halt, and glanced curiously over at what had caught their attention.

Sarah Jane looked up as Luke pointed. She turned back quickly, giving her son a light push on the shoulder, and walked around the car to the driver's seat as the kids loaded in.

Jack managed to catch her eye just before she got in, and flashed her a quick salute. Sarah Jane gave him a small smile in return, and nodded to the rest of the team before climbing in.

Jack laughed to himself a little, then tugged open the door to the SUV. The rest of the team followed, and the two cars drove away, leaving behind the UNIT soldiers and an empty office.


End file.
